This realization is hitting me hard
making me sad
making me cringe
tearing me, all of me, apart!
A simple deliverance it might have been for someone,
this news of our existence – ceasing to exist!
How it changes me, my life, my every day
When they wont be a part of any of this.
How can I be calm, at peace?
When they’ll be out there, restless, searching,
trying to find a new means of survival.
How can I be at, any, ease?
Lost, sad, afraid, tearful, anxious.
Here, I am.
I know not, why I survived?
At least, our sorrow could have been the same.
Humein gumrah kisi ne nahi kiya.
Ye bhi nahi k humein sahi galat ki pehchan nahi.
Lekin jab dil pe junoon savaar ho to kya galat kya sahi,
Hum to khud hi apni raahon kay rehnuma thae…
Pehle ghanto baatein karte thae
Itni baatein ki waqt kam pad jaata tha
Fir ye toh hui kuch dus baara saal pehle ki baat
Aaj ki toh kuch alag hi kahaani hai
Dus saal guzar chuke
Lekin yaadein jaise abhi tak bani hi nahin
Kyun? Tum shaayad puchho
Kyunki lagtaa hai jaise sab ab hi ki kahaani hai
Jaise sab ab hi ho rahaa hai
Jaise kal kabhi guzri hi nahin
Jaise tum saamne ho mere
Aur raat abhi utri hi nahin
Kahaan kabhi socha thaa
Ke tum itnaa yaad aaoge
Ye bhi kahaa socha thaa
Ke tum aise hi bichhad jaaoge
Aaj bhi toh hoti hai apni baatein
Lekin wo pehle jaisi baat kahaan?
Itna kuch dabaa liya hai dil mein ki
Hothon k liye kuch baaki hi nahin
Aaj waqt toh kaafi hai
Lekin baatein kam pad jaati hai
Dil baith sa jaata hai, aur aankhein?
Aankein bejhijhak nam ho jaati hai
Baato baato mein, Kal ki yaado mein,
kahaan se kahaan kho gai
Jo kehna thaa wo kahaa hi nahin
Phir jo apni baat ho toh bataaungi
Chaahti toh tumhe shaayad bhulaa deti
Lekin aisaa naa jaane kyu, kabhi chaahaa hi nahin…
————————————————————————————-
पहले घंटो बातें करते थे
इतनी बातें की वक़्त कम पड़ जाता था
फिर ये तो हुई कुछ दस बारा साल पहले की बात
आज की तो कुछ अलग ही कहानी है
दस साल गुज़र चुके
लेकिन यादें जैसे अभी तक बनी ही नहीं
क्यूँ ? तुम शायद पूछो
क्यूंकि लगता है जैसे सब अब ही की कहानी है
जैसे सब अब ही हो रहा है
जैसे कल कभी गुज़री ही नहीं
जैसे तुम सामने हो मेरे
और रात अभी उतरी ही नहीं
कहाँ कभी सोचा था
के तुम इतना याद आओगे
ये भी कहा सोचा था
के तुम ऐसे ही बिछड़ जाओगे
आज भी तो होती है अपनी बातें
लेकिन वो पहले जैसी बात कहाँ ?
इतना कुछ दबा लिया है दिल में की
होठों क लिए कुछ बाकी ही नहीं
आज वक़्त तो काफी है
लेकिन बातें कम पड़ जाती है
दिल बैठ सा जाता है, और आँखें ?
आँखें बेझिझक नम हो जाती है
बातो बातो में, कल की यादो में,
कहाँ से कहाँ खो गई
जो केहना था वो कहा ही नहीं
फिर जो अपनी बात हो तो बताउंगी
चाहती तो तुम्हे शायद भुला देती
लेकिन ऐसा ना जाने क्यों, कभी चाहा ही नहीं
Ek Dost tha mera apna sa
Kuch begaani baaton se wo khafa ho gaya
Na usne, na maine kuch kaha
Waqt guzarta raha aur wo juda ho gaya
Ek maasumiyat thi jo hamein baandhey rakhi thi
Baarisho mein jab bheega karte thae saath saath
Ek barsaat mein saans kuch ruk si gayi
Dil dhadka fir toh jawaa ho gaya
Sardiyo mein jab mila karte thae nukkad par
Jhapat kar gale lag jaati thi uskae
Ek dafaa saanso ki garmi chhoo gai
Toh chehra ye sharam se pheeka ho gaya
Ladta tha mujhse wo
Jhagadta tha, kabhi hass padta tha
Din bhar buss usi se batiyaati rehti mein
Baato baato mein jaane kab pyar ho gaya
Din kat te gaye aur raatein dhalti gai
Doori gumshuda aur nazdiki badhti gai
Usae toh shaayad pata bhi nahi tha
Yaar hi tha wo mera jo phir dildar ho gaya
Mein hi nahi thi yun chanchal lekin
Dil to uska bhi machal raha tha
Chhupana to usae khoob aaya
Bohot der ho gai jab mujhe pata chal gaya
“Kaash mujhe khabar hoti
Toh yun dur na hone deti tumhein
Kahaan gayi wo maasumiyat
Kyu apna milna bura ho gaya?
Ek tu hi to tha mera apna sa
In dilo kay bawandar mein kyun khafa ho gaya
Na tune mujhe, na maine tujhe roka
Waqt guzar gaya aur tu judaa ho gaya.”
For My Hindi readers:
एक दोस्त था मेरा अपना सा
कुछ बेगानी बातों से वो खफ़ा हो गया
ना उसने, ना मैने कुछ कहा
वक्त गुज़रता रहा और वो जुदा हो गया
एक मासुमियत थि जो हमें बांधे रखी थि
बारिशो में जब भीगा करते थै साथ साथ
एक बरसात में सांस कुच रुक सी गयी
दिल धदका फ़िर तो जवां हो गया
लडता था मुझसे
वो झगडता था, कभि हस पडता था
दिन भर बस उसि से बतियाति रेहती में
बातो बातो में जाने कब प्यार हो गया
सरदियो मेन जब मिला करते थै नुक्कड पर
झपट कर गले लग जाति थि उसके
एक दफ़ा सांसो कि गरमि छू गयी
तो चेहरा ये शरम से फीका हो गया
दिन कट ते गये और रातें ढलति गयी
दूरि गुमशुदा और नज़दिकि बढति गयी
उसे तोह शायद पता भी नहिं था
यार हि था वो मेरा जो फिर दिलदार हो गया
मैं हि नहि थि युं चंचल लेकिन
दिल तो उसका भि मचल रहा था
छुपाना तो उसे खूब आया
बोहोत देर हो गयी जब मुझे पता चल गया
“काश मुझे खबर होति
तो युं दुर ना होने देति तुमहें
कहां गयी वो मासुमियत
कयु अपना मिलना बुरा हो गया?
एक तु हि तो था मेरा अपना सा
इन दिलों के बवनडर में कयुं खफ़ा हो गया
ना तुने मुझे, ना मैने तुझे रोका
वक्त गुज़र गया और तू जुदा हो गया।”
This little masterpiece is the creation of the same friend, who put together the lines of the previously posted ‘BaeNaam’… After I read it, I thought that my readers or rather my friend’s readers deserve to know who the person is, so I asked if it is okay for me to share the name… and my friend did something more creative again – left the decision to me!
jab woh nahi the to koi ehsaas nahi tha
kabhi koi shikve shikayat nahi the
koi gum or kuhshiyo ka saathi bhi nahi tha
phir aap ne kadam badhaaye ya humne thaamaa haath
kuch bhi yaad nahi kahaa se hui shuruaat
aapne baant li zindagi jaise, ho khushiya gum ke saath
ab to sirf parchhaai ban ke reh gaye hum aapke baad
Ek sadak hai jo chalti jaati hai
Hamein apne ghar tak le aati hai
Waise toh woh har kadam saath rehti hai apne
Kabhi kisi mode pe bichhad jaati hai magar
Saath mai hai jo khet dur dur tak
Sach kahein to hai wo tanha zameen
Kahin kahin kuch paedo ki chhaao hai
Jiske chhoone se wo machal jaate hai aksar
Guzartey hain unn raahon se roz
Jo le chalti hai humein apne thikaane par
Gaur se dekhte hain jab unhe
Udaas aur sooni nazar aati hai aksar
Ek ye raah hai aur ek wo khet
Ek hai hum
Inme kaun tanha hai aur kaun soona
Hum tey nahi kar paate hai aksar
————————————————————————————-
For my Hindi readers:
एक सड़क है जो चलती जाती है
हमें अपने घर तक ले आती है
वैसे तो वो हर कदम साथ रहती है अपने
कभी किसी मोड पे बिछड़ जाती है मगर
साथ मे है जो खेत दूर दूर तक
सच कहें तो है वो तन्हा ज़मीन
कहीं कहीं कुछ पेड़ो की छाओ है
जिसके छूने से वो मचल जाते है अक्सर
गुज़रते हैं उन राहों से रोज़
जो ले चलती है हूमें अपने ठिकाने पर
गौर से देखते हैं जब उन्हे
उदास और सूनी नज़र आती है अक्सर
एक ये राह है और एक वो खेत
एक है हम
इनमे कौन तन्हा है और कौन सूना
हम तेय नही कर पाते है अक्सर
I know its been a while since I posted something, but it hasn’t really bean a while that I wrote something. Infact, in the 10 years that I have been writing since, the max I’ve ever taken to write any poem has been about 45 minutes… but this one, this one has taken the most time I’ve ever spent on a single poem, almost about a month.
Why? I don’t know, may be what I felt was too complicated and may be what I felt, I never felt before! And even after I took all this time to write it I don’t know if I have accomplished what I aspired to! May be you can tell me, may be you understand it more than I do… May be, who knows?!
To read the poem, please click on the image, and then click once again to zoom into it… sorry for the trouble, but I could not find a better way to lay it out…
Its not everyday that I take all my time to show my patriotism… but today, on our Independence day, that sleeping part of me, generally wakes up wide and tells me how I am so indifferent to it, blames me for sleeping all the year long, and waiting for this one day to do something, say something or write something!
And I bet that is not just me, its almost the entire Indian Youth! And to an extent its a shame! Do we really need a day to realize our duties towards our country?
Well anyways, the last thing I want to do is let this opportunity pass, and before that would happen… I figured I would express, how proud it makes me feel, every time I happen to say, I AM AN INDIAN!!
AJ and I were up late last night finding pictures that would describe my dear motherland the best, we got a few but any number would never be enough!
Though no picture could ever speak, some of these here tell stories, stories that you would narrate to yourself, stories that you live everyday, stories that you believe in, and all these are – stories about INDIA…
Also, I am embedding a video here, which again reminds me of the national integrity that we always talk about. As a small reminder to everyone who is missing the point…
“United we stood and we will stand, Divided we fell and we will fall!”
HAIL the the NATION who has given a richness of heart to all those who touched her sand…
(Its the cruelty of destiny that today I am away from India, but I guess it was necessary too, to make me realize HER worth!)
This may not be the first time I quote what my brother always says… ‘Appreciation is a writer’s biggest inspiration’… and I feel it, always! Yes it does give me feeling of strength, pride and all them good things… but most important, it inspires me to write, more and better…
This one is for one of those friends. I had no clue that he knew about my blog, and not just that – my friend has been a regular reader, and not just that, my next article is waited upon too!! Flattering of course! And I think – there may be many more like him, and may be not…
Again, the intentions are mostly to make sure I am not giving up on one of my favorite things – write! So here I write again, put together a few thoughts, hopefully they do what they always do!
All steps don’t leave footprints
Sometimes we walk just too light
Or maybe on the shores that are washed away every night
Not knowing that we touch the sand
To leave the impressions- those are highly volatile
That’s maybe how I also touched your hand
Aah those memories, I wish they, too, were fragile
So that whenever I would touch them
They would break up into pieces
And if I ever wanted to go back
There would be no sign or no traces
How I wish my heart was like the sand on a beach
No one could have ever marred
How I wish my heart was out of your reach
My happiness, you could have never barred
Oh though, you must know this
Your going away does not bother me
More so, I shall say I often pity you
For the truth that you could never see
And my tears, salted as the mighty sea
Have washed it all away,
Yes, I have gotten over you
Good thing I chose not to stay!
Yes I pity you,
How you failed yourself
I hope you get to feel now
What you have never felt
May Be – all steps do leave footprints
When you walk along the wet shores of a sea
Tho’ the waters do come to wash them
If they were not meant to be
Nikhil had tagged me long time ago, but it was now that I was just reading through my comments and I realized that I had been tagged! I was a little inadvertent to tags, not because of any disinterest towards them, but because of ignorance about the whole idea of tagging!
To me it just means that someone trusts that I may come up with something at least readable to (maybe) conform their expectations from me!
Sorry Nik, again I’ve no excuses for the very late outcome of your kind effort to invoke the inspiration in me. But I believe you believe that its ‘better late then never!’
So I am inspirationally tagged! What’s my inspiration? Hmm, interesting question.
But before that, is there just one inspiration that a writer or poet could have? Inspiration – its debatable if all inspirations are real or fictitious.
Here, I have to mention a SONG that inspires me, but there are different facets to that as well, which add to my spontaneously accomplished state of confusion. I know a few songs that do, but is it the music, is it the lyrics, is it the rhythm, is it the voice of the artist? What is in that song that inspires me?
I had to think a bit… and I came up with a few…
But before that, I will mention the one I decided has it all…
“Tom’s Diner” by Suzanne Vega
I have no explanation of course, or no justification, as to why I pick that one song.
I know, this may overwrite the rules of the tag, of ONE SONG, but there are always lee ways and exceptions… and then I can’t be disloyal to these other songs that inspire me either!
And I have to pass it on to 5 people, now that’s the toughest part!
And with a grief of parting with the old
I left my land with choices and compulsions
With an excitement to meet the new
I travelled miles in thousands
I met new people and I made new friends
I changed my ways and accepted new trends
But when I turn around and look back at the years
I feel like I got too far,
May be I need a second chance
Today, Someone –
Someone who’s been a mentor and a friend
Someone who I cherished the company of
Someone who I knew cared for me
Someone who I cared for
Today, Back on my mother land
That ‘someone’ passed away
I knew that I was guilty
Yes, I was just too far away!
Scanning thru the miles
I’d travelled thru these years
I recalled the time we spent
And I confronted my fears
I knew somewhere back in my mind
When I had decided to move on
That once in my life a time will come
When I’ll repent that I moved on.
I wish I stayed a little longer,
With that someone I had lost
I wish I’d built my house right there
On the roads at which we crossed
This aint the first time either,
I do have lost a lot
More and more I wish I stayed back
More often than not…
—
In the memory of my uncle and nephew-
Peace be, to thy great Soul!
As soon as you think of someone, the whole definition of that person gets titled by ‘the name’ of that person. So many people have the same name, yet so unique – and different from their co-name folks – different to people close to them! ‘Name’ which if spelled or said incorrectly, most of us would take offense to! And yet some others who say while shrugging ‘What’s in the name, ehh?!’ A lot of times, people do sins anonymously, and yet more people perform the best deeds of their lives anonymously too! Anonymity –Is it a fear of recognition, or is it a humble gesture of giving without taking credit? I guess both in different cases… … Unique to individuals and not their ‘Name’!
I am not sure what my friend was feeling, when he decided he needed to detach the name apart from him, tho’ just for a small piece of time… He wrote this for my blog, and told me he wanted to post it anonymously… and when I read the poem, I was surprised – Anonymity being the topic of his write-up too!
Cheers my friend, cheers to you, and cheers to all of us – who have felt what YOU felt at one or more moments, more often than never…
—————————————————————————————-
Darr hai k thaes na lage kabhi humdardo ko
Isi liye baenaami se dard-e-dil bayaa karta hun
Aek uljhan si ho geyi hai yeh zindagi
Jise sirhane talae chupa kar soye jaata hun
Yaaron ki mehfilo mai eak muskurahat ke saath
Baegaano ki tarah paimane piye jaata hun
Jab koi kehta hai k dil ki suno
Tab zeher si zuba bayaa kiye jaata hun
Koi kehta hai ke dimaag se kaam lo
To berukhi se kai dilo ko todae jaata hun
Dekhe hue khwaabo ko such karey ki talaash hai
Shayad ise liye hakikat se khud ko churaye jaata hun
Chod k yeh dil aur dimaag k kashmakash bhare taey khaane
Sochta hun k chhin lu usse apne aap k liye
Phir har subah apni yeh zindagi apno ke liye jiye jaata hun
I was watching today, a movie i had never heard of before – Anuranan.
As each day goes, I am getting more and more absorbed into artful works of different kinds. Be it superior writing, painting, acting or thinking. As a result of that, I have become very fond of Rahul Bose lately. I have been watching his movies for the past couple days – Chameli and then Anuranan – and I see the consistency that he has, as an actor, as a performer, as a character, and to me – even as a person! Anuranan – starring Rahul Bose was captivating enough to make me watch the movie and then the name of it intrigued me even more.
No I am not writing a movie review – I am trying to share something I learnt from it. A line that fell on my ears and travelled straight thru my within, and may be i think gave me a new perspective of looking towards things, and analyzing my own behaviors. A line originally by Sir Rabindranath Tagore –
“IT IS THE HARDEST TO RETURN” – He said.
Returned here was referrring to going back, going back where you started, going back to the origin, going back to the roots.
And I pondered, is it true? After some quakes and spumes that were aroused in my thinking process, I was convinced – It is true! Certainly.
The movie overall was good, very low keyed, some may even call it un-real… but it touched me in someway.
Some such way that I do not know how, where and why? It just touched me deep within…
Rahul – just one more addition to your list of fans =)
Its 2:32 am, and I am not sure if I should call it 2:32 in the morning or 2:32 at night!
And why am I blogging at this awkward time?
AJ and I are just over with the longest silence we ever have had between us. And we both agreed to a point that it was no fun without the noise!
All this time, I thought that my scripts were entertaining…
But ever since my brother started writing, I felt that I should quit…
I wasn’t even close to being a rookie when I read his pieces…
But then I regained some strength, and put in some efforts to continue writing, but just today, I got this big blow right on my face which reminded me that I should really quit writing! The blow? It was from AJ, and it was actually a good one, the kind I would take lovingly at any given point of time.
The weather was good throughout the day, and later in the evening it got a bit cold. So I was kind of nagging, that we should go home… (we were in the ‘all-summer’ mood, until I gave up on the falling temperature)
Right then, AJ told me these few lines, which his mind built up, during the silence between us that I earlier mentioned of…
And I was so touched and taken by his thoughtfulness; I sincerely thought that my feelings were shallow and that my words did not even exist before his… I surrender with pride, and I surrender with respect for my conqueror!
The following lines, especially coming from ‘his’ thoughts, is what set me aback, and I noticed my self jaw-dropped, by the time he completed the last line! And once again, I thought that I should quit writing!
A magnificent work of art, direct dil-se!
(AJ, I love you more and more every time I think that I love you!)
Zarurat se kuch kam hone ki main sazaa paa rahaa hoon
Rishto aur rakam mein, main uljha jaa raha hoon
–
Maut Kishto mein mil rahi hai
Use Zindagi se main chuka raha hoon
–
Teri chuppi aur meri ankahi
Sannato se shunya ki taraf jaa rahaa hoon
–
Zarurat se kuch kam hone ki main sazaa paa rahaa hoon
Last movie seen in a theatre: Black and White… I cant believe Anil Kapoor is 54 years old, I think he is a bigger surprise then Rekha… and the other guys looks great too, good looks with great talent!
What book are you reading? Ship It!!
Favourite board game: Sequence!!!! Its goooooooooooood…
Favorite magazine: RD, yes I am still a little kid!!
Favorite smells: Smell from a new earthen water pot, rainshowers, issey miyake…
Favorite sound: My Wind-chimes!!
Worst feeling in the world: Hangover from the ‘last night’!!
What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? I made it thru one other day, THANK GOD!!!
Favorite fast food place: Laaries of India…
Future child’s name: Don’t want it to be leaked… I m too picky!
Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…” think what to do!
Do you drive fast? I dint say I’d answer all questions!
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? yeah, stuffed with veins and arteries and muscles and bones and skin… a little extra stuffed…
Storms – Cool or Scary? Cool in deserts, scary in cities…
Do you eat the stems on broccoli? Absolutely!
If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice? All white…
Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in: Security measure agains ID Theft… UNDISCLOSED!
Favorite sports to watch: I rather be in the game…
One nice thing about the person who sent this to you: My Guru in story writing…
What’s under your bed? Dirt!!
Would you like to be born as yourself again? Only as myself… I refuse anything else!
Morning person or night owl? I sleep during both mentioned phases… Actually, I sleep all the time…
Over easy or sunny side up? A good combination of the two…
Favourite place to relax: Terrace of our first house…
Sometimes, when people talk about friends, you always come to my mind and you always come to my heartfelt thoughts…
Sometimes when I hear some of your favorite songs, my eyes wet with
tears, and I look back thru the years…
Sometimes I cherish the times we spent together, and sometimes
I repent the mistakes we made…
Sometimes I think it was hard to find you, and then I realize it was the
hardest to let you go…
Do you never ever think of me?
Do you never cry like I do?
I know its been years, and people get over stuff,
But I cant, may be cuz you were an inseparable part of me…
Whether you believe it or not, I cant do anything to make you see,
How much and how much I do miss you!!
I try to live by this funda: live life king size. I believe that life is too short for any moment to be spent unhappy… whatever happens in life cannot be so bad that u forget to smile! And most of the times, I succeed in applying it to my own life.
And then some other things I come across leave me all baffled. I hear about how people suffer, and I fail to find reasons that would provide them the faintest smile in an entire lifetime.
What could someone have done to deserve all so many misfortunes at once?! What could have led them to do something as bad that made them deserve it?! Did they incur all those misdeeds in their right minds, or were they forced by circumstances to do it?
And I keep on thinking and I keep getting confused all over again and again…
How can God be so unfair to some people and yet so blissful on some others? Am I even rightful to blame God for anything at all…? Or is it the people who need to be blamed? And if they are to be blamed, why do they need to be blamed?
I apologize to anyone who reads it, if this leaves you confused! That has not been the intent, or may be I wish I could be more clear to myself then I would not have had to project this to beyond my within!
Being able to write this in all the expectable luxuries of life, sometimes I wonder. Do I have the right to be so comfortable, when many others strive to convince themselves that there must be some fairness in this life that gets harsher with each passing breath? Or even if I do not have that right, why not?
Sometimes, tears roll down my eyes… making me feel helpless and hopeless! What can I do to solve this confusion and get some peace of mind? What can I do to make myself not feel guilty about the conditions of my other people?!
Apart by no more than six degrees of separation in theory, all so close and yet all so different, sometimes I get confused!
Shiwani 